I have decided to share Aubrielles arrival and the very unexpected diagnosis that followed. Most of what I am about to share I have not shared with anyone before so, please be kind. I have gone through my own personal journey and I feel the only way to evolve is to be honest and share.
June 4th I had a routine OB visit, I was 38 weeks along in my pregnancy. My OB stripped my membranes to get things moving and jokingly told me she was available until 2pm. I was already on leave of absence from work so I spent the rest of the day running errands with the family. Around 2pm my contractions were about 12 min. apart. I wanted to keep moving to make sure my labor kept progressing. I finally decided to get ready to go to the hospital around 5pm. My contractions were getting stronger and closer together. This would be the first time I would not have to endure an induction, they suck! Well, my labor stalled. I was forced to walk around the hospital for the next 6 hours. My nurses kept checking on me and finally, after what seemed like forever, the nurse "accidentally" ruptured my bag of waters. My labor was in full force and in two hours I was ready to deliver my daughter. I remember how calm everything was just before she arrived. Maybe that was a sign. All I know is that I have never been that calm. I could sense by the look on my husbands face that something was wrong. I looked at my baby and I knew, I just didn't want to believe it. After the nurse and the Dr cleaned up they left us alone. My husband whispered "does she look different?" I kept trying to convince myself otherwise. None of the hospital staff said anything to us about their suspicions but the eerie feeling we felt would not go away. I knew something was wrong. I didn't even call my family to announce my daughters arrival. My dad knew something wasn't right so he drove to the hospital to check on me. Just before my dad arrived the pediatrician walked into my room and removed the earth from beneath me. With a very somber face she announced everyones suspicions. "I believe your daughter has Down Syndrome". I know she continued to talk but, the room was spinning, my dad just walked in the door, and I just held him tight and sobbed. I sobbed from deep within my soul. I never heard a cry like the cry I had that day. I cried everyday for at least a month. I really don't know how to describe the feelings I had. All I know is that I felt that like my perfect baby, the one I carried for 9 months, the one that I knew, was taken from me. In her place was a baby I did not know. I was angry and sad. I didn't know how to grieve for my baby and learn to love the baby that took her place. I know everyone was trying to be as supportive as anyone could be but, the words they spoke never made me feel better. I am angry about the distance I put between my daughter and I the first month. I could not bond with her. My husband was able to deal with her diagnosis much quicker than me and he had some anger because he could not understand why it was taking me so long. He would look at me and scoop our baby up and cuddle her because I could not. I have tears streaming down my face as I write this, the pain is still with me. After I left the hospital I made excuses so I didn't have to pick up my daughters birth announcements. I guess deep down I felt if I had them my nightmare would become my reality. I eventually was able to make it through the day with out such an extreme range of emotions. I thought I was ready to heal. When you have typical children no one hands you a book with all the possible terrible things that could end your child's life. When you have a child with Down Syndrome this is exactly what they do. As if your not already overwhelmed. I went back to work after 3 months and I thought that I was dealing with my new reality just fine. Sometime in October work began to be more stressful. I remember October 6th i could not stop crying at work. I called my husband and he said "it's okay, you'll get past it." I knew that without help, I wouldn't. I went to see my doctor and he put me on medication for depression. I have learned much about who I am and who I want to be. I have a long way to go........I am learning how to open myself up and let others in. I have learned to love my daughter and the gifts she has brought into my life.
